Why ISN'T it the leading brand?
by Shashasha
Summary: Sick of angsty, funny, dramatic fanfics, Myrtle Maneet wrote this. Review if you like it or don't.
1. Chapter 1

AN: I'm bored of all those fanfics with a plot/point. So I wrote this.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.

"…But Jacob, if we get this shovel, we get a plant pot free!"

Edward tried unsuccessfully to persuade Jacob, but Jacob wouldn't listen to reason.

"C'mon Edward, that shovel is made of plastic and will break soon. THIS one, however is metal. It won't break as easily."

"Jacob, we live in Forks. A metal shovel will rust if left outside."

Bella picked a different shovel, this one wooden.

"I think wood is our best bet. It's pretty cheap and won't rust or break as easily."

Edward nodded.

"I guess we should do that. I can always just buy a plant pot on the side."

"So it's settled then, a wooden shovel and Edward can get a plant pot," said Jacob as he picked up the wooden shovel and placed it into the cart.

The trio continued along.

"What are we looking for, now?"

Bella asked as she looked at rows and rows of deodorant.

"Laundry detergent," said Jacob.

"We should get Tide. It's the best," said Edward.

Jacob shook his werewolfy head.

"All is the best. Everyone knows it."

"I must disagree with both of you. I prefer arm and hammer."

Bella sneakily took a big jug of arm and hammer and placed it in the cart.

"No. Tide comes in lot's of different scents. We can get lavender vanilla, or jasmine. Or anything, really."

"But All takes out stains so much better than Tide and Arm and Hammer. See?"

Jacob pointed to the All jug where it said 'takes out stains better than the leading brands'.

"If it takes out stains better than the leading brands, why isn't it the leading brand," pointed out a Tide-loving Edward.

"I have an idea. Let's get all three and we can mix them."

Edward and Jacob looked at Bella. It wasn't a half bad idea.

"I like it," said Jacob as he took a jug of Tide and All and put them in the cart with the shovel, plant pot and jug of Arm and Hammer.


	2. A dinner at Applebees leave them full

AN: It was originally confetti chicken, but I'm a vegetarian and I thought it would be like promoting to eat chicken if I had them do it. So I changed it to salad. Eat salad, kiddies, it's good for you.

"What restaurant should we go to?

The trio looked around, they were surrounded by many, many restaurants.

"I prefer Applebee's. Their confetti salad is to DIE for."

Bella gave her boyfriend a funny look.

"Edward, you're a vampire, you can't eat confetti salad."

Edward laughed.

"I was suggesting it for you and Jacob, silly. I brought some blood-cakes in my man purse for me to eat."

Bella laughed and Jacob joined it.

"So, shall we go to Applebee's?" asked Jacob, although he already knew the answer.

The trio walked in.

"Table for three, please," said Jacob to a waitress.

"Right this way." She uneventfully led them to an empty booth.

"Will this do?"

Bella nodded and slid in, Edward sat next to her and Jacob sat across from them.

The waitress, named Samantha, handed them menus.

"Your server will be out shortly."

She left, leaving them alone.

"This is nice."

Bella looked around at the walls covered with fake, bolted-to-the-wall paintings.

Jacob nodded.

"I think I'll get some confetti salad to take home for my dad."

"That's a good idea Jake; I'll bring some home for Charlie."

"Hello, I'm Daniel and I'll be your server tonight. Are we ready for drinks?"

"Actually," Bella said in response to the mustachioed server, "we're ready to order our food."

"Alrighty, Heidi."

Jacob ordered a cherry coke and confetti salad, Bella ordered the same.

Daniel looked at Edward and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm actually not very hungry, but would it be possible to bring home two servings of the confetti salad?"

"Certainly, sir. Is that all?"

He looked around, and not seeing anyone about to say anymore, left.

"So what should we buy next," asked Jacob to Edward.

"We ought to go to Target. Alice tells me there's a massive sale on bean-bag chairs and baby clothes."

Bella frowned.

"Why do we need to shop for baby clothes?"

Edward shrugged, and then Jacob snapped his fingers.

"My sister, Rebecca, she's having a baby soon. We can get her some baby clothes. And a bean-bag chair. We should also get Rachel one."

Bella nodded in agreement.

"You remembering this, Edward?"

Edward nodded.  
"Bella, want to get Renee a bean-bag chair?"

Bella shrugged, "Okay."

They relaxed for a bit, and then the food came.

"Here we are, confetti salad for you, m'am and for you, sir. And here are the meals you requested to take home."

Daniel set down two plates in front of Bella and Jacob and handed Edward two Styrofoam containers.

"Bonaparte!"

Daniel left, and Bella and Jacob dug in.

Edward sneakily took out a blood-cake and devoured it.

"Mmm, blood-alicious."

"Edward," said Jacob between mouthfuls, "that's disgusting."

Bella giggled as she took another bite of salad.

"This is good!"

They silently finished supper, and waited for Daniel to come back with the bill.


	3. Beanbag chairs

Bella, Jacob and Edward walked into Target, prepared to buy bean-bag chairs and baby clothes.

"Hang on, guys. I want to check out the one dollar section!"

Bella rushed over to the one dollar section.

"Hey!" shouted Edward, "No fair, checking out other guys!"

The trio laughed and laughed as they looked at ridiculously cheap items.

"Ooh! Lisa Frank pencils! Four for a dollar, can you say DEAL?"

Bella put in a packet, as Edward internally debated over which pastel piggy-bank to get.

"Hmm," he mused, "the purple one certainly is lovely, but the pink just speaks to me."

He set down the pink one.

Jacob dug through one bin, searching for another perfect pear bar of soap. He was big, and so he reckoned he'd need two.

"Aha!"

He pulled out his prized bar.

"Y'all ready?"

The three continued until they got to the baby clothes section.

"Jake, is Rebecca having a boy or a girl?"

Jake thought for a moment.

"You know, I really don't recall. Hang on whilst I call her."  
He pulled out his cell phone and dialed 5-555-5555.

"Hello? Rebecca? Yeah, uh huh. Oh? He did! Hmm! I don't know what to say! Yes, yes, sure. Um, I think Lysol will do the trick. Oh, oh really? Have you heard about the new type of mushroom at Market Basket? I hear they're to die for!" At this point, Edward glared at Jake.

"Oh, right. Um, Rebecca? Are you having a boy or girl?"

He nodded once, said his farewells and shut the phone.

"It's a girl."

Bella nodded, "they're easier to shop for, in my opinion."

The picked out an adorable watermelon print onsie, a fluffy yellow dress, a light blue sun dress, pink fleece pj's, pink and yellow cotton pj's, a tee shirt with a cat on it that said 'purrfect' and a straw hat.

"To the bean-bag section!"

Bella and Jacob followed Edward as he walked towards the bean-bags.

"Renee will want blue!"

Bella grabbed a blue one and shoved it hastily in the cart.

Jacob selected a lovely purple one for Rachel, and a white one for Rebecca.

Edward stared, open mouthed at the ottomans.

"Oh. My. God. They're freakin' _metallic!" _

Edward hugged one.

"I can't believe what I'm seeing."

He buried his face in it.

"I, I LOVE YOU MAN!"

He carefully picked it up and placed it in the cart, then changed his mind and carried it.

"Um, Jacob, Bella? I uh, have to go to the, uh restroom."

He ran away, ottoman in arms before they could say something.

"Bella? Can't Edward, you know, _not _go to the bathroom?"

Bella, feeling awfully smart said, "Anyone can _go _to the bathroom, Jake, but if you meant that Edward can't pee or poop, you're right."

A little boy in the aisle down heard Bella say pee and poop. His Mommy had told him not to use those words, so he started giggling.

"MOMMY I HEARD SOMEONE SAID PEE AND POOP!"

Little boys can yell loud, and this one, Jeremy Kinder-Westin, was no exception.

"Jeremy Kinder-Westin, do my ears deceive me or did MY little boy just say what I told him not to say?"

Jeremy hung his head, apologizing.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Edward was busily digging through the women's plus section, looking for a shirt that would fit his ottoman.

He found a gorgeous, scoop neck navy shirt with fake pearl buttons. He slid it over the ottoman. Gorgeous.

He ran back to Jacob and Bella, and then wondered how to explain the shirt.

Whatever, he'd wing it.

On his way, he crashed into Jeremy, who was busy deciding which stuffed bear to get for his friend Tamara Roxanne Dustin-Jones's birthday.

"AHHHH!"  
Jeremy screamed as he fell.

Bella and Jacob heard the crash, and looked around.

"EDWARD! YOU FREAKING KILLED THIS KID!"

Fearful Bella was telling the truth, Edward stood up.

To his delight, his beloved ottoman had saved Jeremy.

"It's a miracle," murmured Jacob as he stroked the ottoman.

Bella picked up Jeremy, who looked around, dazed.

"You okay, sport?"

Jeremy nodded, and his mother rushed over.

"AHHH! JEREMY!"

She rushed to his side.

"What happened to Mommy's beloved boy?"

Jeremy giggled, shaking his head full of curls.

"That hard man crushed me, but that silver square saved the day."

Ms. Kinder turned to glare at Edward.

"I'm assuming YOU'RE the hard man?"

"I have incredible metabolism, m'am. I have no fat whatsoever."

Bella nodded, "it's quite strange. The University of uh, Luxembourg has been doing many tests."

Ms. Kinder, still glaring, scooped up Jeremy and sauntered away.

Edward shuddered.

Bella raised her voice towards Edward, "Edward, why did you crash into Jeremy?"

"I wasn't thinking straight. I'm sorry Bella."

Edward hung his head, clutching his ottoman, still dressed in the shirt.

Jacob was about to ask about the ottoman, but decided he wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer.

The checked out in silence.


	4. The Party's Over

"We're ba-aaaack!"

Edward held the door open for Jacob, who was carrying all the bags. Bella had her purse and Edward had his ottoman.

"I know. I saw."

Alice appeared from the kitchen; in an apron that said kiss the cook.

She stepped out of the way so everyone could walk in, Edward trooped upstairs, not wanting to discuss his ottoman with anybody.

"Hey guys, what'd you get?"

Alice eyed the bag suspiciously.

"Well," Jake began, "We got beanbag chairs and baby clothes and confetti chicken for Billy and Charlie."

Speak of the devil, Billy and Charlie pranced on it. Literately.

Now that they had publicly announced their feelings for each other, gotten married and since Bella had forced peace between the werewolves and vampires, everyone lived together.

"Hey Dad, Step dad! We got you guys some confetti salad from Applebee's!"

Bella took the cartons from Jake and gave them to her Dad and his husband.

"Gee whiz, thanks so much Bella."

Charlie grinned at his daughter, wrapped an arm around Billy, gave his husband a carton and they went to go eat.

"So," started Alice, but she was interrupted by Esme rushing into the room.

"MOVE MOVE I'M GOING TO MISS GILMORE GIRLS!"  
She shoved Alice out of the way and ran and turned on the TV.

"Es, it's just a rerun, you know."

Esme flashed Alice a dirty look.

"The Seventh Season isn't out yet and since SOMEBODY cancelled it this is my only way to compensate. Now shut up, this is the episode where Lorelei and Luke get together."

Esme, eyes fixated on the screen, turned away from Jake, Alice and Bella.

"Let's go in the kitchen," said Alice, but by the time she had said it she was already sitting in a chair.

Bella and Jake followed.

"I'm going to make myself a cup of hot blood tea."

Alice hummed as she set the kettle on, she hummed louder as she dusted the countertop. Her voice reached an octave only dogs can hear –Jake was in pain- by the time the kettle shrieked.

"Alice, you are causing me physical distress!"

Jake moaned in agony and fell off his chair.

Alice tut-tutted, and poured herself a cup of tea.

"Mmmmm." She breathed in the rich scent of blood.

Bella began to feel dizzy.

"I'm going upstairs."

She opened Edward's door, and what did she see but him making out with the ottoman. She sighed.

"Edward…"

"BELLA! This isn't what it looks like! I swear!"

He clutched the ottoman, trembling.

Bella took a step forward, than back, then she did a loop-dee-loop. Then she sighed again.

"Edward, love of my life. Hand over the ottoman."

Edward's eyes flashed black.

"Not on your life," he hissed menacingly.

Bella stepped forward, took two steps back, one hop this time HOP, Charlie Brown'd and sighed again for the third time.

"Give me the ottoman. Or I'll cry."

Her lower lip trembled, Edward caved.

"Fine. Take the stupid, glorious, beautiful, amazing… ottoman," he shoved it in Bella's general direction and hugged himself.

Then he fell on the ground.

His palms pressed against the cool floor, and he rested his cheek on it. He was swimming in nausea, he thought he would pass out, but he didn't.

He did not resurface.

AN: Forgot that part of New Moon. Once I go upstairs and get the copy that I got from the Library like five hours away I'll re-do it. Bye.


	5. Tribal Dances

Bella rolled her eyes at Edward.

"Grow up." She muttered as she left the room.

She went to Rosalie and Emmet's room next.

She hesitantly opened the door, but when she did saw there was nothing to worry about.

Rosalie and Emmet were playing GuitarHero 4 which hadn't even come out yet.

"Hey guys."

Bella smiled at them.

Rosalie smiled back.

A few weeks ago Rosalie had realized how silly she was acting. She put her opinions aside and welcomed Bella into the family. She even –get this- got Bella a real friendship bracelet which Bella wore.

Emmet grinned.

"Hey, Bells. Wish you could play but there are only two guitars."

"She can have mine," Rosalie shrugged and handed her guitar to Bella who hugged her in thanks and gratitude.

A half an hour later, Bella thought she was developing early symptoms of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, so she left.

She knocked on Alice's door, but could only hear chanting behind it.

She slowly opened it.

There was a huge bonfire and Alice and Jasper –naked, except for these creepy wooden tribal masks- were dancing around it and jumping into the flames, chanting.

"A-alice?"

"Hoooya see mwa SEE hwayayayayayay hwaya SWEE hooya hoyya bunchi hooya bunchi SEE say hooya hooya buynchia yungaire…"

Alice stopped when she saw Bella.

She took off her mask and Jasper did the same.

Bella began to blush.

"Uh…"

"I can explain," Jasper offered, "see, we used to live on this remote island in Indonesia and the elders taught us these really cool tribal dances. We were naturals, see, so they gave us free masks. We practice the dances all the time."

"Uh, yeah. Okay. I need to pee."

Bella turned sharply and left.

"SHUT THE DOOR, WOMAN."

Jasper looked at Bella.

"Upps." Bella meant to say oops but it sounded like upps.

She slammed the door shut so hard.

Then she ran into the bathroom.


	6. Bella gets ready for bed full of twists

Bella went into the room she shared with Edward –he was still on the floor- and opened her dresser. She dug through her underwear/pajama drawer until she found some cotton pj's.

She shut the drawer and walked into the bathroom. She put her pj's on the toilet and took off her shirt, bra, pants and underwear.

Then she went into the shower. She turned on the water and adjusted the temperature to her liking.

She picked up her bottle of shampoo and opened it.

She squeezed some onto her palm. She watched it swirl out.

She hummed as she began to massage it into her scalp, she imagined how clean her head was going to be.

As she scrubbed, she contemplated what she wanted for breakfast the next day.

_Pancakes are good, but I'm sick of them. What about waffles? With peaches? Yeah, that'll work. I wonder what cream cheese would taste like on waffles. I should try that._

At this point she was done shampooing, so she rinsed out her head.

Then she picked up her conditioner.

She opened the bottle and squeezed out some conditioner.

She began to massage it into her hair.

It smelled like strawberries and Bella loved that smell.

"Mmmmm" she breathed in the rich scent of her hair.

Conditioning took less time, so while she waited to rinse it out she poured some body scrub on a loofa.

She began scrubbing her arms, she scrubbed and scrubbed, watching the bubbles dance on her ivory flesh.

She finished with her arms and began scrubbing her stomach.

When she was done, she took her razor.

She started shaving her legs.

At this point, the conditioner had begun running down her back.

She sighed, one leg half shaved, and rinsed out her hair.

Then she finished shaving her legs.

When she was done, she rinsed out her razor and put it back.

But then, she remembered she needed to shave her armpits.

She took her razor again and finished.

Then she put it back.

She took a bar of soap and washed herself again, until she smelled like strawberries all over.

Then she shut off the water, she shook herself around to get all the water off, and then stepped out.

She selected a towel and began to dry herself, this didn't take awhile and she was soon done.

She opened the cabinet and took out a bottle of lotion. She opened it and squirted some into her hands.

She lotioned herself.

When she was done, she put on her PJ's.

Then, she took her toothbrush and rinsed it under hot water while she opened her toothpaste container.

She squeezed a pea-size amount onto her brush and then proceeded to brush them teeth.

She finished, and spit out her spit and gurgled some fluoride water.

Then she rinsed her brush and put it back.

She opened the door and kicked Edward out of the way.

Her crumpled in a ball, muttering something that sounded like

"she's gone."

"For Godssakes, Edward."

A disgruntled Bella went into the walk-in-closet and took out the ottoman. She threw it at Edward's head.

"Take your damn ottoman."

"CATHIE!" He exclaimed, and clutched the ottoman to him.

He picked himself up, leaning on Cathie for support and went into the bathroom.

Bella rolled her eyes and turned off the light.


	7. REVIEW

Authors Note:

I am not going to update anymore unless I get more reviews. If you like this story than please review! Or else you won't get updates!


	8. I know, I suck

Hey guys, I know I'm being annoying with all these authors notes. Sorry.

Anyways, I haven't updated in awhile because of three things. One, I have severe writer's block. I cannot think of anything. Two, I just got a kitten, she likes playing and since she's mine that role usually falls to me. And third, I have a life.

Sorry everyone, hopefully I'll update soon and thanks for sticking with me!

Myrtle


	9. Myrtle studies

AN: Yeah, I suck. I haven't updated in forever. Feel free to eat me alive.

As the rain poured outside of the house, Bella sat down in her old purple swivel chair to do some good old fashioned HW.

"Alright," Bella told her stuffed elephant, Francine, "I need to type this up for science class."

Bella dreaded science. She had a stupid old mustached man for a teacher.

"I hate mustaches," she told Francine. Bella often wished Francine would talk back to her.

Our heroine stretched her fingers, "Alright, Heidi," she yelped.

She started to type:

RULES:

All opposites attract and likes repel. Neutrals attract all charged things.

Neutrals attract positive and negative things.

Two substances rubbed together have opposite charges. 1 steals from the other, if they get charged at all.

Objects can be neutralized by gentle touching.

Two neutrals do nothing to eachother.

"Bella, dar-lin-kay," Charlie appeared, a martini in his hand and his husband by his side, "Edward is looking for you!" He kissed Billy and Billy giggled.

Edward appeared.

"I am here!" He was dressed in orange fleece overalls, a floppy baby blue straw hat and a shirt that said "Ask me about my gf!"  
Edward walked over to Bella.

"Hey, Is!"

Is kissed him.

"Hey!" Shouted Bella to Is, "Get out of here!"  
Is giggled, and flew out the window.

"Dang, I hate her!" Bella moaned.

Edward patted her head, "Tut tut. There there."

He looked at the screen.

"Opposites attract, like you ande! Likes repel, like me and Rosalie when Carlisle tried to set us up."

Bella nodded, "Keep going, this is good for my brain!"

"Neutrals attract positive and negative things, like Emmett attracts vampire girls and human girls."

Bella chortled, "With those forearms, freakin' _zebra _girls are attracted to him!"

Edward laughed in spite of himself, dang, thought the vain and preppy looking male vampire, I sure wish I had Emmett's forearms!

"Okay, two objects rubbed together have opposite charges. Like when you and Mike made out, you guys became opposites after, couldn't stand eachother, remember?"

Bella made a face, "Edward, did you just fart?"

Edward squeezed his butt together, "Maybe…"

Bella gagged.

Suddenly, Esme ran in.

"OH MY GOSH!" She yelped.

"What is it," Edward asked, not really in a question format sort of mood.

Esme looked on the verge of tears.

"Ooh, this is worse then when I lost my baby boy! FYI, I wanted a daughter. MY GILMORE GIRLS THE COMPLETE SEVENTH SEASON IS MISSING THE LAST DISK!"  
She fell to the floor, shaking.

"Oh my gosh!" Edward got down next to her.

"Bella, I'm taking her to Newberry Comics."

Apprehensive, Bella nibbled a fingernail.

"Ohmigosh, I'd go, but emos scare me!"

Edward nodded and scooped up the fainted Esme.

"Let's go!"  
He galloped away.

Bella continued working:

Model

Everything has + or – pieces in them. + protons, - electrons.

Minus pieces can move between objects, plus can't

A neutral object has an equal amount of electrons and protons

Different substances have different abilities to attract and hold onto neutrons.

Feeling proud, Bella printed it out. She tucked it into her folder and went downstairs to watch some of Esme's Gilmore Girls.

"I do love that show!" Bella sang as she waltzed down the stairs.


End file.
